Show us what you've got. We'll pay you for it.
Stop hiding your assets in your pants. No matter how big or small your penis — we'll turn it into cold hard cash. Bigger = richer. Smaller = well, you get a little. It's fair. It's sexy. It's Penis Pay.
0 retailers taking it • 0 transactions • Zero shame
🟢 12,847 people whipped it out for verification today
XeMoisties — The 9 Inch Monster
Chief big cock. The boss. Bracket exempt. He's not in the competition — he is the competition.
The gold standard. The one they measure everyone else against. XeMoisties didn't just pass verification — he rewrote the rulebook. A certified 9 inch monster with a net worth to match, he holds the exclusive Platinum Penis status — the only one in the world. He operates outside the bracket system entirely. Why? Because when you're packing that kind of heat, the usual limits don't apply. XL Elite? That's for mortals. Platinum Penis means unlimited spending power, zero verification fees, and permanent bragging rights. This is what peak performance looks like.
📢 The Sainsbury's Incident
March 2024. XeMoisties swung by his local Sainsbury's for a meal deal. He whipped out his Platinum Penis at the self-checkout to pay — standard procedure. The card scanner wasn't ready. The magnetic strip reader shorted out. The NFC chip overloaded. Sparks flew. Three checkout lanes went dark. Sainsbury's had to evacuate the bakery section. Management sent a formal complaint to Penis Pay HQ demanding they "cap the maximum verified length" for contactless terminals. Our response? Upgrade your hardware. XeMoisties got his meal deal for free. The store still hasn't recovered.
What People Say
"Legendary. Absolute unit. Saw him at Tesco once. The security guard saluted." — Dave, Manchester
"I've verified over 47,000 members. XeMoisties made me question my entire career. Staggering." — TMP, Chief Cock Watcher
"Had to redesign our POS systems after his visit. No regrets. Worth every penny." — Retail Tech Weekly
They wrote about us. We're flattered.
How It Works
Three steps. One awkward moment. Lifetime of rewards.
Drop 'Em & Scan
Our "verification booth" gets up close and personal. One quick measure — flaccid or not, we've seen worse — and you're in. Takes 8 seconds. Feels like forever.
Get Sized Up
Reality check time. We stick you in a tier based on what we see. Micro? Enjoy your gum budget. XL? The world's your oyster. No appeals. No second chances.
Flash It & Pay
At checkout, just whip it out. Tap. Done. From gas stations to Gucci — if they take cards, they take the D. Your new wallet never leaves your body.
See It In Action
Watch people pay with what mama gave 'em. NSFW adjacent.
2:34 — How Penis Pay Works
The Tiers. Don't Shoot the Messenger.
Size = spending power. We didn't make the rules. We just measure and enforce them.
Micro
Gum. Maybe a parking meter. Sorry champ.
Small
Coffee and snacks. It's something.
Medium
Groceries, dates, decent living. Not bad.
Large
Nice dinners. Electronics. Flex a little.
XL Elite
Private jets. Yachts. Whatever you want. Damn.
*Permanent. No appeals. No "it was cold." We measure under optimal conditions.
Size vs. Money. The Uncomfortable Truth.
Bigger dick = bigger budget. No matter how big or small your penis — here's what you're worth
Our data. Our rules. The numbers don't lie. (Neither do our scanners.)
Accepted Everywhere
From the corner store to the bougie strip — they all take it
What People Are Saying
Real reviews. Real regrets. Real money.
"First time I got Medium I was relieved. First time I paid for dinner with my dick at a nice restaurant? Life changing. My date had questions."
"XL Elite. Bought a boat. No card needed. The marina attendant's face when I pulled it out to pay? Priceless."
"Micro tier. It sucks. But at least I never lose my wallet anymore. Silver lining. I guess."
The Penis Pay Ecosystem
We're building more than a payment app. We're building a lifestyle.
Size Leaderboard
See how you stack up. Global rankings, local leaderboards, and bragging rights for the top 1%. Micro users: look away.
Size Tipping
"I'll give you 2 inches for that coffee." Tip bartenders, baristas, and strangers with inches instead of dollars. They'll remember you.
Penis Pay Dating
Match by tier. No catfishing. No surprises. XL with XL. Micro with Micro. Find your size-mate. Coming soon.
Size Insurance
Injury? Shrinkage? Cold pool? We've got you covered. Premium tier protection so your wallet stays intact. Terms apply. A lot of terms.
Adult Entertainment Perks
Exclusive discounts with our "industry partners." Verified Penis Pay users get 20% off premium content. Your tier, your rewards.
Penis Size Olympics
Longest. Thickest. Most flexible. Compete in events. Win medals. Lose dignity. Broadcast live. We're not kidding.
Merch
T-shirts. Hats. Mugs. "I paid with my penis" bumper stickers. Rep your tier. Let everyone know.
Penis Pay Podcast
Stories from the front lines. XL users share their journeys. Micro users share their coping strategies. It's therapy. Sort of.
Penis Pay API
Integrate our tech. Other companies can verify size, process tips, match users. Build the future. One API call at a time.
Ex Verification Archive
Upload your ex's measurements for... ha. No. That's revenge porn. Illegal. We're joking. Our lawyers made us add this disclaimer. We draw the line somewhere.
Premium Humiliation
Pay to have your size publicly announced. Billboard. Stadium Jumbotron. Your call. Some people are into it. We don't judge. We just charge.
Surgery Referral Program
Want to upgrade your tier the hard way? We partner with "enhancement" surgeons. Referral bonus for us, new measurements for you. Maybe.
Sex Toy Partner Perks
Verified Penis Pay = 25% off at select retailers. Size-appropriate recommendations included. Yes, they make them for every tier.
Mr. Penis Pay Pageant
Beauty pageant. For dicks. Compete for the crown. Talent round. Evening wear. Q&A. "Mr. Penis Pay" gets a lifetime XL Elite pass.
Penis Pay Condoms
Size-matched protection. XL Elite. Large. Medium. Small. Micro. Finally, one that fits. Or doesn't. Your tier, your packaging.
Penis Pay OnlyFans
Top performers. Exclusive content. Subscribe to see XL Elite users live their best lives. We take a cut. Everyone wins.
Penis Pay VR
Experience the world from your dick's perspective. Pay for coffee. Ride the subway. Exist. All in first-person. We've gone too far.
Funded by people who get it
Questions We Get A Lot
Does the verification hurt?
No. It's a scan, not a vice. Though the emotional damage of a Micro rating? That might sting.
Can I upgrade my tier?
Nope. What you've got is what you've got. No pills. No surgery. No second measurements. We're not running a charity.
Is whipping it out at checkout weird?
First time? Yeah. After that? You get used to it. So do the cashiers. Most of them.
Do I need my phone?
Hell no. Your wallet is always in your pants. That's the whole point. Convenience, baby.
Ready to Put It to Work?
Drop your email. We'll set up your verification. No backing out.
Satire. Obviously. Don't actually send us anything. We're not measuring anyone's anything.